October 8, 2009
I don’t know who I am anymore. That thought occured to me this morning in the Prayer Room.
I lost myself a long time ago. The only thing left to remind me is the rattle of dry bones in my chest. I feel like there’s nothing more substantial to me than a bones. Dry, hard, bleached bones.
I’m fading away.
spasm said,
October 21, 2009 at 11:51 am
I don’t know who you are or where your at with life but I ran across your blog and had to say I know where your coming from. And hold on, there is hope. You see, my internship at IHOP ended in 1988. Well, it wasn’t IHOP back then, it was KCF. And it wasn’t an internship like we have now but I was under the leadership and umbrella of it all and spent many hours doing what IHOP interns do. But it was long hours listening to Mike B and sitting in the prayer room when I wasn’t working 65 hours a week.
Anyway, I’m older now and I’ve been through hell on earth a couple of times. And God used it to prepare me for the things I’m walking in today.
I slipped away into deep sin during the 1990′s. I know self hatred. I know substance abuse, self medication and thinking the God of the universe could love everyone but he knows how dirty I am and I’d exhausted his grace with my fornications. I know failure at every level of life. Morally, financially, educationally and relationally.
I also know victory. I know it well. I wont kid you. I went through some of the most painful self deliverance imaginable. Wanting to run out the back door screaming every time worship began. Laying in bed at night feeling demons in my flesh. Fighting the urge to run to Cory Russell’s front door and demand that he cast demons out of me or I wouldn’t leave. But I walked through it and self deliverance gives you authority over the enemy in a very odd and spectacular way.
There is so much I could write and if your interested, I would but I had to snipe in here and say, it’s going to be worth it. No mater how dry the bones, life can return to them with our God!
rightrevelation said,
October 21, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I’m fading away.
Nonsense! You’re being invited into deeper things of Jesus.
This may sound crazy…but, ENJOY this time. Seriously.
There is a fire of divine love – and sometimes this fire burns the believer. How? Sometimes the absence of the Beloved causes the believer to suffer.
He is building the longing in your spirit to be changed into the likeness of Jesus. This is all part of your will becoming His will. It seems painful at first, but if you can grasp the importance of this season…oh, your inner strength and perseverance will grow.
This time is a gift and you are lucky to be near IHOP during this time. Rest in the prayer room, fellowship with friends, read the Word, and soak in worship.
DO NOT DRAW BACK
You will make it. Fading away – in other words death to self or picking up one’s cross – is a beautiful place to be.
I envy you