Something happened today. Something beautiful and incredibly amazing.

Let me start off by saying I’ve been lying to you and to everyone. Everytime you asked if I was okay, if I had a plan yet… I was lying. I was too afraid to admit my shortcomings and to ask for help. Over time sin crept in and it piled up. I didn’t start drinking or doing drugs again, but no sin is greater than any other.

The day I graduated One thing, I walked away from the Lord. I’ve spent every moment since trying to appear like I had everything together. I spent all of my time painting this intricate picture, forming the perfect lie. And of course as all lies do, it came crashing down.

I almost died. I should be dead right now. If not for a miracle, I would be. I made some life altering mistakes. To be honest, I was glad. More than anything, I wanted to shake things up. I wanted something, anything out of the ordinary.

Things had been bad for a while. I got some bad news and I just crashed and burned. Everything I’d worked so hard to build self destructed and so did I.

One night, I unintentionally took too many sleeping pills. I didn’t even notice until I woke up the next day and most of them were gone. I was so out of it the night before that I barely noticed. Anyone else would have died. But I got a miracle. And still I persisted. I would not return to Him, I was done with the rules and regulations of what I “perceived” Christianity to be.

And then today something happened. My mother talked me into going to a new church, Calvary Tabernacle. And from the moment I walked in to their Harp and Bowl worship set, there was a fire in my bones. I tried so hard to fight it, but He was there. For the first time in MONTHS, I felt Him. The tangible presence of the Lord. I couldn’t shake it off.

Later that day, I sang for the first time in several months. It felt good, it felt right. I was singing purely for the love of Him. That’s the woman I want to be. The one who walks with the Lord in all that she does.

I don’t know what happens next but I know I won’t go back there. I can’t. Not if I want to make it in the long run. I’ve finally decided that He really is worth it all. I’ve heard the rumors but I never understood.

Who cares if I lose my friends or if my family disapproves? I’ll turn my back on EVERYTHING in favor of Him. All there is Him.