12.26.08
The Temptation.
There is a lot of alcohol in my house right now. I feel like I’m suffocating.
I walked into my kitchen today to find my mother, aunt and older brother drinking something called Rum punch. The smell of it made my stomach turn and my mouth water all at once. I couldn’t do it. I had to leave the room. I wanted to leave the house but I had nowhere to go. I can’t be around the things of my past life; it hurts me, physically and mentally.
I mentioned it to my father and he told me to get “a tough skin”. I told him that I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t have to, should I?
Liquor is worse than drugs for me. It’s legal and much easier for me to obtain.
I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can make it even six months in the real world. I miss te IHOP bubble.
12.24.08
Let’s make this a little more permanent, shall we?
I’m in love.
I know that it sounds suspect. After all, I’ve spent the past six months consecrated. I’ve been free less than a week and already I claim love.
I wish I could truly explain to you the situation. All I can really say is that someone stole my heart. He kept it with him in Missouri, he’s holding it hostage and he’s refusing to give it up. It’s the epitome of unrequited love. Believe me – He’s practically married already. I have no hope with him, no chance in this world or the next. Yet, still i try. Desperately clinging onto every word and every glance. It’s pathetic.
The worst and most pitiful part is that if he’d asked me to stay, I would have. I probably would have given him anything he wanted inside of my moral boundaries. I would give up everything I have for him. Every dream, every calling, every prophetic word spoken over my life… And that’s wrong. It’s very very wrong.
And a part of me doesn’t want to be right.
EDITED because of Ashley. Something about having to watch two couples getting married this summer and a couple newly engaged nags me. I want that and I want it with him. But it’s hopeless. I’m hundreds of miles from him now and he’s all but forgotten me.
Lord, what do I do?
